Memorable Deaths

We'll never get off this world alive - Jim Morrison

Agathocles (Syrian tyrant, 300 b.c.) – choked on a toothpick (they had toothpicks back then? I didn’t know they even had teeth as adults!).

Alexander the Great (Macedonian emperor) – caught a fever during two days of drinking and carousing, died at 33. (Never really recovered from an arrow wound suffered in India).

Alexander (king of Greece, 1920) – bitten by his pet monkey, died from blood poisoning.

Allman, Duane (U.S. rock guitarist) – died while riding his motorcycle in Macon, GA, when a truck pulled out in front of him on a downhill slope; Allman couldn’t stop and slid underneath the truck, hitting his unprotected head several times. (Allman died only 2 blocks from where Macon heavyweight contender William L. Stribling died in a motorcycle accident in 1935 just wks after losing to Dempsey on a 15th round knockout and before a rematch). Ironically, fellow band member Berry Oakley also died from a motorcycle accident a year later, at home in bed from a brain hemmorrage following the accident.

Archimedes (Greek mathmetician, discovered water displacement by weight, “Eureka!”, the value of pi, calculus, and the lever) – was so absorbed while writing geometrical problems in some dirt that he did not hear an invading Roman soldier demanding that he stand, who then “ran him through” with his sword.

Attila, the Hun - died of a chronic nosebleed on his wedding night; makes you wonder if she punched him in the nose.

Bacon, Francis (English philosopher, writer) – stopped in the snow to perform a freezing experiment on a chicken (by stuffing it with snow), caught a “chill” and died later. Bacon was the real author of Shakespeare's plays, see my Word Humor blog.

Bennett, Arnold (English writer) – drank a glass of water in Paris to demonstrate its safety and died from the typhoid it contained (“I love Paris in the springtime” – Cole Porter).

Bentham, Jeremy – famous English moralist and law-reformer; believed that every famous man should be mummified and “each can become his own statue”. His effigy, dressed in his favorite suit and hat, sits in a glass case at University College, London, with his mummified head on the floor between his feet, where he’s been “his own statue” since 1832.

Bonaparte, Jerome Napoleon (last American Bonaparte) – tripped over his wife’s dog’s leash, died from the injuries. (they were living in New York City)

Claudius I (Roman emperor) – choked on a feather; his physician was trying to induce vomiting after being poisoned by his wife.

Clementine V, Pope – autopsies of the Pope are forbidden by law (“what happens in the Vatican stays in the Vatican”), but recently scientists were allowed to x-ray the sarcophagus of Pope Clementine, and found a ten-inch nail driven into his skull. Perhaps he fell onto this nail while sleepwalking, perhaps it fell from above and embedded itself full-length into his brain as a “divine act”; we’ll never know the instigator, only the cause. (Autopsies are forbidden because so many Popes have been murdered, and “it gives the church a bad name” if revealed publicly)

Crassus, Marcus (Roman politician) – Parthian soldiers poured molten gold down his throat. Now that’s a waste of precious metal, when molten iron would have sufficed.

Duncan, Isadora (U.S. dancer) – her long scarf became tangled in the rear wheel of her car and broke her neck. Try duplicating that, amateurs!

Fierro, Rodolfo (Mexican general) – riding with Pancho Villa, Rodolfo took a shortcut, his horse fell into quicksand, and the gold Rodolfo was carrying sank him to his grave (another waste of precious metal – do you suppose they dug it out?).

George, Duke of Clarence (English nobleman) – Richard III had him drowned in a barrel of wine.

Ishmaelo, Yousouf (Turkish wrestler) – carried all his gold in a money belt, was returning home on an ocean liner which collided with another vessel near Nova Scotia. Yousouf refused to discard his belt, which carried him down to his watery grave.

John I (King of England, 1216 a.d.) – died from overeating lampreys. (Got too “eel” as a result)

Maturin, Rev. Charles Robert (Irish clergyman) – finding the clergy did not make enough money to suit his needs, he wrote many romantic novels with titles like The Fatal Revenge and The Wild Irish Boy, and lurid Gothic horror novels; he pasted a wafer to his head while writing which meant “do not disturb”. He was so absent-minded that he turned up for parties on the wrong date, often wore unmatched shoes, and would forget waiting dinner guests while the food became cold. Eventually he got his medicines mixed up and this led to his death at 42.

May, Thomas (English historian) – rather obese, used to “tie up his chins”, and one day he ate too much and choked to death from the cloth around his throat.

Montagu, Edward Wortley (English son of Lady Mary Montagu) – claimed to be an Ottoman Prince, a result of an affair between his mother an “a sultan of Turkey”. Was said to be the first Caucasian to enter Constantinople turbaned and speaking Arabic. His wealthy father bestowed his fortune on his sister Mary instead of Edward, and he eventually settled in Venice. While dining on tiny birds called ortolans, a bone became lodged in his throat, could not be removed, led to an infection and his death at age 63.

Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus (German composer) – likely poisoned by a lover’s jealous husband (he had over twenty female piano students); one admitted as much and killed himself a week after Mozart died, saying “what have I done - I’ve allowed jealousy to kill a musical genius.” (Next time, poison the wife, dude! There’s “lots of fish in the sea”, but only one Amadeus…)

Otway, Thomas (British playwright) – reduced to begging from hunger, he got a guinea, bought a roll and choked on the first bite.

Pinkerton, Alan (founder of the famous detective agency) – bit his tongue, died of gangrene.

Rasputin (Gregori Efimovich, Russian ‘holy man’) – survived numerous poisonings (he consumed small doses regularly), two shootings, finally was bound and tossed into the Neva River.

Schumann, William (German composer) – an infected tooth led to brain poisoning.

Scriabin, Alexander (Russian composer) – self-proclaimed “second Messiah”, attempting to “save the world with music”, Scriabin got a pimple which became infected, then died from blood poisoning.

Socrates (Greek philosopher) – condemned to death for “insulting the gods” by teaching the immortality of the soul, he drank a cup of hemlock (given by a weeping jailer) after partying with all his friends and relatives. Did he sing, “one for my honey and one more for the road”?

Tchaikovsky, Peter Ilyich (Russian composer) – the depressed composer threw himself into the cholera laden Neva River, and even though rescued, died later in bed.

Valens, Richie (U.S. recording artist) – lost a coin flip to ride in a van or fly (he was afraid of flying) with Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper to a wintertime concert in Iowa; the plane crashed in a cornfield, killing all three. “Aw, baby, that’s what I like” – sang the Big Bopper, in "Chantilly Lace". Later, Georgia singer Otis Redding died at 26 in Wisconsin flying to a winter concert when the plane missed the fogbound runway and landed in a nearby swamp.

Vlad, the Impaler (Transylvanian count) – the notoriously sadistic and bloodthirsty count, who preferred impaling or skinning his victims, was eventually killed by local citizens (who stormed his castle at night carrying torches, no doubt!).

Whitson, John (English adventurer) – fell off a horse and impaled his head on a nail outside of a blacksmith’s shop, at age 72. (Nice aim – try that again, 100 times)

Woodhull, Victoria (Mrs. John Biddulph Martin) – this “free love” advocate, born in a shack in Homer, Ohio, was the first American woman to run for President and the first woman to run a stock brokerage; formerly a famous “spiritualist” and healer who counted Cornelius Vanderbilt among her famous lovers. She thought she could “cheat death” by not sleeping in a bed, so for the last 4 years of her life slept in an armchair in her living room in England (where she retired with her last husband), where she was eventually found, having passed away in her sleep.

Zeuxis (Greek painter, 5th cen. b.c.) – laughed so hard at his own painting of a hag that he broke a blood vessel and died (“Laughter is the best medicine”). The more sensible artists painted classic nudes instead and there are no reported deaths as a result.